I’ve been thinking seriously of faking my own death. There are organizations in our world that will help you do this if you’re willing to give up everything and never look back. They’re called “fixers,” and their business is death fraud. I guess by my writing it though, I’ve negated the possibility of follow through. People would now question my demise. Worse than faking my death would be to really die and have people questioning my authenticity.
Truthfully, I love life. There is so much to observe, to experience, to learn, but at the moment I’m not loving my place in life. If this crazy past year has taught me anything, it is that. I’ve ended up in or created, depending on who you ask, a world that demands a lot and doesn’t provide much in return. The feeling has been following me around for some time that I’m a commodity which increases in value based on how little of me there is left to give.
I’m a good listener. Confrontation is my enemy. People pleasing is my albatross. This means I often serve as caretaker, confidante, counsel, housekeeper, nurse, oracle, pep squad and so much more. There’s the acquaintance who saddles me with the burden of his misogyny and past as a sexual predator, who seeks change and absolution, who also asks to touch me when I’ve already told him no. There’s the adult child who can’t bear the weight of his own failures, such as his inability to keep a job or pay rent, and so asks me to handle it or fix it for him at the detriment of my own financial health. There’s the opioid addict friend with a shared personal tragedy who asked me to save her by feeding her addiction. She’s now dead. Pieces of me are being painfully picked away, and I allow it to happen.
If my life were the movie, “The Birds,” I’ve all but laid myself out on a smorgasbord for them. Those who want what I give accuse others of taking too much and accuse me of not setting boundaries. “Boundaries are necessary,” they say. What they really mean is that boundaries are necessary as long as they affect someone else. Ultimately, it’s me that boundaries, or the lack thereof, really affect. Recently, I had an epiphany. What one has already given away, cannot be taken by force. This round of the A-Z Blogging Challenge is me giving because I want to. This is my revelation. The “rhyme and reason” of these excerpts is that each one will be a piece of me I have chosen to share to save it from destruction or evanescence.
Fantastic theme! I can’t wait to read more about it.
Thank you. I’m excited to do this and have you along for the ride.
Sounds like you’re going to lay yourself bare. Just don’t lose yourself in the doing 🙂
I’m going to try. Hopefully you all can help me stay present in the moment.
Wow. This sounds very interesting. I will be “watching”.
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It sounds like you jump in, “heart first”, all in! I hope all this giving will help you find your boundaries!
PS: I have a friend who also identifies with the term, urban gypsy, and she’s also a very sensitive soul like you. Very interesting! https://twitter.com/urbangypsy_me
Thanks for the vote of confidence! A fellow urban gypsy? I bet we would be best buds. I adore fellow wanderers and sensitive souls.
Great post, Jen.
-Sam
Thanks, Sam! I appreciate you reading.
I think many of us fantasize about faking our deaths and starting over. I can relate to how you describe your feelings about a world that doesn’t give back. And then, I want to say, “NO! It doesn’t have to be that way!” And realize I need to say that to myself too. It must be exhausting to be the listener and saddled with everyone dumping on you. Fortunately, what you call the place in life right now isn’t fixed there forever.
You are correct, it doesn’t have to be that way! I’m working on making my boundaries more firm, but people love to push them. Keeping them solid can be just as hard as setting them. And yeah, I get pretty exhausted. I try to carve time out for myself in order to self-care. Life is so fluid, I just try to ride the wave and see where it takes me. As long as I’m not drowning, I’m ok. Listening to your body and inner voice is so very important. Thank you for reading.